There is more to marriage than just sex
Written by Bunmi Sofola
Edited by Oladejo Ezekiel
“I am in my late 30s, and friends have constantly told me that I am very attractive. I know, I can turn a head or two if I want to! My husband is a six-footer and used to be a hunk. Unfortunately, in the past few years, he’s acquired a beer belly. He is a good man, sweet, kind and gentle, and he works really hard to look after his family. Unfortunately, as a lover, he is a washout. He’s given up trying to be a stud. I was born here in Lagos and I grew up fast, as it is to be expected of city girls.”
So began a letter I recently got from a reader simply called Tonia. “But my husband is from the village and let’s face it, he’s got a protruding stomach, big like a pregnant woman’s, and he’s no longer a turn-on and what’s more, he doesn’t even think any particular sexy thoughts,” the letter continues, “Although he is not as good in bed as I might wish, I still love him very much. He is my second husband. I was falling apart at the seams when my first husband died in a motor accident, and my current husband was there to help me pick up the pieces.
“Being a village man, ‘’he’d known only two lovers before me. His last lover was a divorcee with two children, and while she cared for him and taught him some things about sex, she made it clear she wasn’t in love with him. He wasn’t in love with her either, but they needed each other. Unfortunately, she died of cancer and it really screwed up his head. Shortly after she died, his mother whom he was very fond of also passed away and he started to believe that anybody he loved would disappear. “Then, of course, he met me as a bereaved widow and I was someone for him to console. He was big and strong and the hairiest man I’d ever seen. (Hairy men really turn me on!) Our sex life was great at first. We made love almost every day and he lost a lot of weight, willing to experiment with new things. But then I got my two children back from my first mother in-law when she had a stroke and he wanted us to have another child to ‘cement’ our relationship. He got it into his head that a child of his own would bring us closer, so I agreed and gave birth to a son. Since my first two were girls, he was really elated about having a son.
“Unfortunately, the child didn’t bring us any closer and three kids guarantee privacy. So, these days, all we do is fight and argue; life has more or less disappeared and now, we make love about three till a month. Even then, by the time he gets me turned on and ready to go, he’d already gotten off, and I’m left hanging. My advice is this: If your lover is bad in bed, but you’re falling for him in other ways, be careful! And if he wants children, think about it and don’t expect that kids are going to improve an impoverished relationship. Sex may not be everything in a marriage, but it does count a lot.”
How could a healthy sex life this marriage once enjoyed have gone horribly wrong? Most marriages go through their ups and downs, but when problems arrive, instead of rushing to your own conclusions, you owe it to your partner to discuss ways to put the relationship back on track. Tonia and her husband need to make quality time together in order to rediscover the magic their relationship once had. What happened to the good sex they once had? Can it be rekindled?
The fact that there are now three children in the family is no excuse to label the husband a non-performer. The poor man would have his grievances too that are important to him—they both have to bring all their problems to the table and find genuine solutions.
Tonia should stop preparing the gooey and greasy meals that put pounds on his weight, and encourage him to exercise. Has Tonia really asked her husband what he now thought of her and their marriage? Village man versus cosmopolitan wife doesn’t necessary mean he’s besotted with who she is now. The earlier both of them tried to mend this marriage, the better for Tonia. If she doesn’t want to start looking for husband number three! With three children, that might not be as easy as she thinks.
